“But I hate margarine.”
1. Well, just got the news. No more dairy for me.
2. I suddenly feel very, very sad.
3. At least now I know what was giving me trouble.
4. This will be good for me. Dairy isn’t natural for people to eat, I heard, or someone told me, or I saw it. I don’t know.
5. I just wish I could’ve said goodbye.
6. Time to get rid of some food, then. ::: opens fridge :::
7. Goodbye, leftover lasagna.
8. Goodbye, just-bought pint of Cherry Garcia.
9. Goodbye, frozen jalapeño poppers.
10. Goodbye, cheese.
11. Shit, that means no more milk and cookies.
12. ::: sheds single tear :::
13. And no more… pizza.
14. ::: sobs uncontrollably :::
15. I blame my genes for this. Which one of you did this to me, Mom and Dad?!
16. How will I go on? How will I ever eat ever again?
17. Dairy is in everything!
18. I mean, what doesn’t have dairy in it? Lettuce?
19. Does this make me vegan now?
20. Wait, meat doesn’t have dairy.
21. Dodged that bullet.
22. But what about butter?
23. I have to stock up on margarine now.
24. But I hate margarine.
25. Will my friends hate me?
27. Now I have to, like, worry about ingredients.
28. I wonder what else I should worry about.
29. ::: Googles “things that have dairy in them” :::
30. This is worse than I expected.
31. What exactly are casein and whey and why are they in EVERYTHING? Dairy, you are a crafty devil.
32. Holy crap. I totally forgot about mac and cheese.
33. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed. I should test it one more time.
34. ::: takes bite of leftover lasagna :::
35. See, that wasn’t so — uh oh.
36. ::: immediately farts, then wails for ten minutes :::
37. I’m not even that old!
38. This is so unfair.
39. I’m a good person! What did I do to deserve this?
40. I don’t want to have to buy Lactaid.
41. People will see me taking it and know I’m a fart monster.
42. Aha! This is all a ploy by Lactaid to make money from fart monsters like me!
43. But Lactaid might help, so…
44. ::: goes on Amazon, orders Lactaid :::
45. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just not eat dairy.
46. Think of it as a fresh start! With less gassiness and frequent trips to the toilet! It will be worth it!
47. ::: looks at food to get rid of :::
48. Eh, I can deal with cheese farts and acid reflux for a few days.
49. ::: puts jalapeño poppers in the microwave, eats a big bite of Cherry Garcia :::
50. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU, DAIRY!!!