“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
1. Sorry, I’m a bit drunk.
2. What is the name of this company again?
3. I have basic “computer-processing” skills.
4. Is nude part of the dress code?
5. I just really need some cash to pay off these loan sharks.
6. I consider myself the Steve Jobs of assistants
7. Is housing included?
8. I eat cheese every hour on the hour.
9. I hate “trying”
10. Some people see me as a threat to world peace.
11. I have several tattoos, all of which are in places you cannot see when I’m wearing clothes.
12. Have I seen you on Tindr?
13. Are these pens free?
14. Will you speak to my mother? She really wants this to go well.
15. What’s my signing bonus?
16. I’m not wearing any underwear.
17. I was forcibly removed from my last job. Some sort of “harassment” claim.
18. Sometimes people consider me “too much”.
19. Do you have any red staplers?
20. My therapist says buzzwords make me go crazy.
21. Would I be reporting directly to you? Or to the Lord our Savior?
22. Do you have ergonomic couches?
23. What’s the greek yogurt situation here? If it’s Chobani I’ll burn this building down.
24. I hate Jennifer Lawrence.
25. No, I don’t have any weaknesses. Unless you count pectoral strength.
26. After Earth was robbed of an Academy Award.
27. I would count Skip Bayless as one of my American heroes.
28. Once I got 35 paper cuts in a single day.
29. Yeah, printers could totally rise up and destroy humanity.
30. Drinking coffee is for the weak, unless it contains alcohol.
31. Remember slavery? Good times.
32. Do you mind if I clip my nails? They’re getting rather long.
33. I’m clipping my nails as we speak.
34. I’m very influential across many sub-reddits.
35. Sure, we’ve been to the moon. “Allegedly”.
36. I only vote in American Idol.
37. I have a restraining order placed against me by One Direction.
38. I was accepted to Hogwarts, I just deferred for a couple of years.
39. Do you think you could show me where the bathroom is? And then leave me there for 30 minutes?
40. I’m a frutitarian, meat is murder.
41. Yes, my most recent position was as a “drug mule”.
42. Do you like cocaine?
43. Do you want some cocaine?
44. I’m not allowed to be around playgrounds. Due to my dirt-allergy.
45. I have no flaws.